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Retirement Gag Gifts

Girija Shinde Mar 10, 2020
Recently retired people often find themselves at the receiving end of the usual oldies-baldies jokes. We need to take the tradition forward by giving them a retirement present they'll never forget.
As much as I am tempted to begin this article with an 'over the hill' joke, I solemnly swear that I will not resort to cliches. No, not even while listing these whacky gifts that will leave you in a laughing fit, but may end up infuriating a straight-jacketed retiree.
Which gets us to the one and only rule to be diligently followed - While gifting any of the mentioned items or their likeness, ensure that you choose your retiree with utmost caution.
The receiver of wacky retirement gifts has to possess two or more of the following qualities -

» A stellar sense of humor
» The ability to lighten up (not light up, it's not the same thing)
» A really tipsy mood!
Once you have this sorted out for sure, it's time to get down to the part where we use our devious mind to make a monkey of our dear ol' retiree.

Don't worry if you can't think of something right away. Here are some great options that you could choose from, or even use to come up with your own variants. Take your pick...

Extra Support for the Elderly

Give your old friend the support he/she deserves by gifting them a walking cane. But wait! This ain't any ordinary cane. Gift them a custom-made one with a horn that honks expletives at whoever dares to come in their way. Unless they use it to shoo you off, this gag gift is a winner all the way.

Lend Them a Voice

Lend them a voice through the sartorial medium, just the way the juvenile lot does these days, but with a twist. The person who gifts the t-shirt gets to decide what's written on it, so if they think they'll get to wear a "sixty and sexy" t-shirt, they couldn't be more wrong.

Go Vintage!

This gag is sure to antagonize the tech-savvy retiree (if there ever was one!). Here's what you do - source a heavy and antennaed cell phone straight out of 1994, with the huge rubber buttons that go beep-bop-beep-beep at every thumb assault. It's a perfect gift for -
» People who keep misplacing their slim and tiny phones
» People who are anti-touchscreen
» Why don't we just call them retirees!

Goodies and More Goodies

The number of pranks this bag can hold is boundless, and it is up to you to make good use of it. But here are a few things to help you get started -

» An eye mask for daytime naps
» A plastic sipper for their tea/coffee/booze needs
» Hair growth tonic
» Hearing aid
» Magnifying glass for the times when they want to read the paper and lose their glasses

Pearly Whites

If your beloved senior has trouble eating those crunchy nachos, this can be the perfect gift. You can get creative with a set of glow-in-the-dark fake teeth, or even go vampire-ish with a set of fangs. But don't forget to remind them of their resemblance to the late Leslie Nielsen, and not R-Patz.

Medical Assistance

Deliver medical assistance to your retiree in the form of a pill box, big enough to include their memory pills, remember-to-eat-the-memory-pills pills, strength-to-annoy-the-family pills, and any other pills to supplement all these pills.

A Whole New Wardrobe

As the retiree enters a new phase in life, the well-meaning friends must contribute to this transition.
What could be better than supplying your retiree with the finest range of brown sweaters? Sweaters are a senior must-have, all year round. Choose tawny, khaki, ochre, beige, fawn, and other delightful senior shades.

Crowning Glory

As a fitting addition to the spanking new clothes, here's another oldie wardrobe staple - a woolen hat to protect that shiny (or soon to be shiny) pate from the scorching weather.
Add the mentioned walking stick, and you'll get a poster boy for retirement ads.

"Here, fishy fishy!"

Don't even think of getting your retirees a real fishing rod, or you'll be playing right into their hands.
Get them one in tacky-looking fluorescent plastic, or even cardboard. The idea, my friend, is to harp on the symbolism of the fishing rod as a retirement mascot; not as an appreciative gift.

Alarm Clock

A gag in the series of ironic gifts, an alarm clock can prove useful to the retiree for... well, nothing.
With all the time in the world, the alarm clock comes as a nice, sarcastic gift. Alternatively, this clock can also be used to time their naps, and other naps.
These gifts were meant to be fun, and make sure that you keep them fun. Crossing the line would mean that you enter into the offensive territory, so use your good sense when you gift these.